I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I wish I could force myself to step away.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I will step away.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I shouldn't be in this situation.
I just can't...
Friday, October 10, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
It's not all about you.
Conceited.
Jealous.
Power-hungry.
Malicious.
You in a nutshell.
The battle lines have been drawn,
and you're on the losing side...
Just an fyi.
Jealous.
Power-hungry.
Malicious.
You in a nutshell.
The battle lines have been drawn,
and you're on the losing side...
Just an fyi.
Saturday, July 12, 2008
An experience of a lifetime.
Oh what a week.
What a wonderful, emotional week.
I can't believe I just used wonderful and emotional in the same sentence.
I left for Thespian Leadership Camp on Tuesday and returned home yesterday.
I have never had a greater experience.
I learned an incredible amount about myself during those four days.
I don't even know where to begin... It was just so eye-opening.
One of the primary focuses of this camp was trust. Trust in yourself. Trust in your troupe. Trust in those around you. One of the first activities we did was called Step Questions. As a group we were asked a series of questions relating to opinions, gender, etc. and we basically made known our stance. What was said/occurred in that room stayed in that room, but let me tell you. Some of those things I saw the people in my troupe stand up for or step forward for broke my heart.
Activity number two for trust was a trust walk. Basically, we were all blindfolded and in groups were lead through various obstacles around the camp by the SSO officers, the sponsors and those who had already done the walk the years prior to. It was a major challenge for me, being the control freak that I am. Even Mr. L said it would be. I managed to go through with it though, and I'm grateful I did. It taught me that I need to place my faith in others occassionally and realize that not every person is selfish and willing to let me fall. Brent even tripped in an effort to keep me standing.
Number three was troupe trust. As a group we did a series of trust excercises that taught up to support each other. I even managed to place enough face in my friends to fall backwards into their arms off a table. Major major major step for me.
On another note. I cried. Thursday night. I cried. I cried a whole lot. My emotions got me, and for anyone that knows me, that does not happen. In fact, the two most emotional people in our troupe (Davis and Melissa) didn't shed a tear.
It all began with the closing candlelight ceremony. Our sponsor (Mr. L) told us what we mean to him and the theatre program as a whole. It also acted as a good-bye to Brent and Juan, who graduated this past year. When Juan started crying it set me off. Him telling me that he saw a lot of himself in me made me so incredibly proud. He's such an amazing individual and has done so much for our program. I can only hope I'll make as big an impact as he did. My tears were not only for him leaving though. I finally composed myself as he took each person to the side individually, but one thought still weighed heavy on my mind. I would be in his position come the end of this school year. Apparently mind face gave away my state of sadness, because Mr. L approached me and asked what was wrong. I just admitted it to him, something I'd never do (I blame the trust excercises). I was completely distraught about leaving Greenway. I'd worked so hard to build myself a place there. The thought of leaving behind the newspaper and theatre was heart-wrenching. He simply told me I still had another year to continue to enjoy it. Naturally I told him, that wasn't the case, I still had to leave eventually. He looked me in the eye and told me, flat out, "Amanda Dallas. You've done so much for the theatre program, and Greenway in general. I have no doubt that you will be successful. You have MUCH greater things to do in this world." That meant a lot. I always talk about how I have these big dreams and goals and want to accomplish them, but hearing someone say to me that there's no doubt I'll achieve great things makes it so much more tangible.
And on a final note. I am officially a Student State Officer on the AZ State Thespian Board. It's an honor. 35 students ran, 13 of us were selected. I really didn't think I'd get it because I did spend my time at camp sucking up to the SSO's deciding the fate of the board. I just acted like myself and tried to have fun. I'm extremely grateful for this opportunity, and can't wait to get started.
All-in-all,
this camp was much needed.
And I didn't even realize it.
I now see what I need to change,
and how I can go about doing it.
It restored my faith in my ability.
It restored my faith in others.
It restored my faith.
-Dallas
"I'm gonna live until I die."
What a wonderful, emotional week.
I can't believe I just used wonderful and emotional in the same sentence.
I left for Thespian Leadership Camp on Tuesday and returned home yesterday.
I have never had a greater experience.
I learned an incredible amount about myself during those four days.
I don't even know where to begin... It was just so eye-opening.
One of the primary focuses of this camp was trust. Trust in yourself. Trust in your troupe. Trust in those around you. One of the first activities we did was called Step Questions. As a group we were asked a series of questions relating to opinions, gender, etc. and we basically made known our stance. What was said/occurred in that room stayed in that room, but let me tell you. Some of those things I saw the people in my troupe stand up for or step forward for broke my heart.
Activity number two for trust was a trust walk. Basically, we were all blindfolded and in groups were lead through various obstacles around the camp by the SSO officers, the sponsors and those who had already done the walk the years prior to. It was a major challenge for me, being the control freak that I am. Even Mr. L said it would be. I managed to go through with it though, and I'm grateful I did. It taught me that I need to place my faith in others occassionally and realize that not every person is selfish and willing to let me fall. Brent even tripped in an effort to keep me standing.
Number three was troupe trust. As a group we did a series of trust excercises that taught up to support each other. I even managed to place enough face in my friends to fall backwards into their arms off a table. Major major major step for me.
On another note. I cried. Thursday night. I cried. I cried a whole lot. My emotions got me, and for anyone that knows me, that does not happen. In fact, the two most emotional people in our troupe (Davis and Melissa) didn't shed a tear.
It all began with the closing candlelight ceremony. Our sponsor (Mr. L) told us what we mean to him and the theatre program as a whole. It also acted as a good-bye to Brent and Juan, who graduated this past year. When Juan started crying it set me off. Him telling me that he saw a lot of himself in me made me so incredibly proud. He's such an amazing individual and has done so much for our program. I can only hope I'll make as big an impact as he did. My tears were not only for him leaving though. I finally composed myself as he took each person to the side individually, but one thought still weighed heavy on my mind. I would be in his position come the end of this school year. Apparently mind face gave away my state of sadness, because Mr. L approached me and asked what was wrong. I just admitted it to him, something I'd never do (I blame the trust excercises). I was completely distraught about leaving Greenway. I'd worked so hard to build myself a place there. The thought of leaving behind the newspaper and theatre was heart-wrenching. He simply told me I still had another year to continue to enjoy it. Naturally I told him, that wasn't the case, I still had to leave eventually. He looked me in the eye and told me, flat out, "Amanda Dallas. You've done so much for the theatre program, and Greenway in general. I have no doubt that you will be successful. You have MUCH greater things to do in this world." That meant a lot. I always talk about how I have these big dreams and goals and want to accomplish them, but hearing someone say to me that there's no doubt I'll achieve great things makes it so much more tangible.
And on a final note. I am officially a Student State Officer on the AZ State Thespian Board. It's an honor. 35 students ran, 13 of us were selected. I really didn't think I'd get it because I did spend my time at camp sucking up to the SSO's deciding the fate of the board. I just acted like myself and tried to have fun. I'm extremely grateful for this opportunity, and can't wait to get started.
All-in-all,
this camp was much needed.
And I didn't even realize it.
I now see what I need to change,
and how I can go about doing it.
It restored my faith in my ability.
It restored my faith in others.
It restored my faith.
-Dallas
"I'm gonna live until I die."
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Quote me on this
Someone else. Not yourself. Someone completely different.
I'm pretty sure everyones thought that at one time or another. What if I'd chosen that option rather than this one? How different would things of become?
I believe this quote is completely accurate. The life I lead had many opportunities to transform into another life. I clearly remember certain details that would've altered everything.
- My parents' choice to live in Arizona rather than Hawaii.
(I could've been a surfer or a scuba diver! I could've aspired to be a marine biologist rather than a journalist.)
- My choice to find a new crowd to run with freshman year.
(Boy, I really dodged a bullet there. Instead of an overachiever who cared about life and grades, I almost ended up as a failure who partied 24/7.)
- My choice to stop playing sports and try other things.
(A jock rather than a journalist/theatre kid. Imagine that.)
- My choice to date him.
(No elaboration needed.)
It's funny how much a single decision could alter your life. If anything, the crucial roles that these decisions played in my life make me really consider everything. Everything. Down to the tiniest detail of whether to eat breakfast or not in the morning, but it isn't always tiny details that we're left to consider.
Currently, I'm faced with a multitude of major decisions. The one that's been waying most heavly on my mind seems to be that of where to go to college.
For some reason NYU has been planted into my brain. I've always wanted to go to a great school and live in the city. It seems to be the ideal place for me. It's a liberal arts college, so it's not that structured. I don't know though. It'd be a lot of money, but the experience would be well worth it.
Choices.
Options.
Answers.
Decisions.
No matter what you call them, they're all the same thing, and every one of them could change your life forever.
- Dallas
Life isn't easier for other people,
we're just better at faking it.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
A swift smack across the face
That's how I'd refer to this realization.
I always refused to change for the benefit of other people. I liked myself the way I was. I thought I I was a genuinelly decent person, up until this past month or so.
Ironically, it wasn't aquaintances, strangers or friends that pushed me to change, it was my family. They've been so hell bent on my changing because the fact that I'm bad at one thing is like the end of the world.
Well fuck that.
I guess I always had this view that they were the only people who's opinion really, truly mattered, but when it comes down to it, they're human. Just like everyone else. They see flaws. Just like everyone else. They want people to change for the benefit of themselves more than the benefit of that individual. Just like everyone else.
Well you know what? They're my family. I shouldn't have to wear a mask or change a MINOR flaw for them to love me.
I've got one year left in this house.
I'm not changing a thing.
- Dallas
Life isn't easier for other people,
we're just better at faking it.
I always refused to change for the benefit of other people. I liked myself the way I was. I thought I I was a genuinelly decent person, up until this past month or so.
Ironically, it wasn't aquaintances, strangers or friends that pushed me to change, it was my family. They've been so hell bent on my changing because the fact that I'm bad at one thing is like the end of the world.
Well fuck that.
I guess I always had this view that they were the only people who's opinion really, truly mattered, but when it comes down to it, they're human. Just like everyone else. They see flaws. Just like everyone else. They want people to change for the benefit of themselves more than the benefit of that individual. Just like everyone else.
Well you know what? They're my family. I shouldn't have to wear a mask or change a MINOR flaw for them to love me.
I've got one year left in this house.
I'm not changing a thing.
- Dallas
Life isn't easier for other people,
we're just better at faking it.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Hello silence
Silence.
That's what's ringing through my head.
He said he made a mistake somewhere along the line in raising me. I'm inconsiderate, lack respect and don't try. That's what he said.
Inconsiderate.
Helping children in a third world country.
Helping the community by volunteering at various places.
Helping friends with homework.
Helping friends with their problems.
Helping strangers in need.
Lack of respect.
I don't use foul language when speaking to adults.
I don't argue with teachers or professors.
I don't look down upon those who aren't my equals.
I don't make fun or harrass the elderly.
I don't point out that the reason things are mess is because of her.
Not trying.
I take ap courses.
I joined more clubs then the average student.
I study when necessary.
I redo things that I mess up on.
I constantly aim for perfection.
I thought I was doing so well. Apparently my best really isn't good enough. All this time I thought I was a pretty good daughter. I've never failed a class. I've never drank, smoked or experimented with drugs. I've never done anything to intentionally hurt them. Given, I forget things sometimes when they tell me to do them, but I'm human. I'm doing the best I can. Perfection isn't as attainable as I would like it to be.
Sorry for being a disappointment.
Really. I'm so, so sorry.
But sorry's an empty word.
Least that's what you told me...
- Dallas
Life isn't easier for other people,
we're just better at faking it.
That's what's ringing through my head.
He said he made a mistake somewhere along the line in raising me. I'm inconsiderate, lack respect and don't try. That's what he said.
Inconsiderate.
Helping children in a third world country.
Helping the community by volunteering at various places.
Helping friends with homework.
Helping friends with their problems.
Helping strangers in need.
Lack of respect.
I don't use foul language when speaking to adults.
I don't argue with teachers or professors.
I don't look down upon those who aren't my equals.
I don't make fun or harrass the elderly.
I don't point out that the reason things are mess is because of her.
Not trying.
I take ap courses.
I joined more clubs then the average student.
I study when necessary.
I redo things that I mess up on.
I constantly aim for perfection.
I thought I was doing so well. Apparently my best really isn't good enough. All this time I thought I was a pretty good daughter. I've never failed a class. I've never drank, smoked or experimented with drugs. I've never done anything to intentionally hurt them. Given, I forget things sometimes when they tell me to do them, but I'm human. I'm doing the best I can. Perfection isn't as attainable as I would like it to be.
Sorry for being a disappointment.
Really. I'm so, so sorry.
But sorry's an empty word.
Least that's what you told me...
- Dallas
Life isn't easier for other people,
we're just better at faking it.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
A free spirit, fenced in by expectations.
It's been six months since I pledged to complete my list of 100 things to do in '08. I wrote that list solely for the purpose of forcing myself to try new things, and basically reinvent my life. I constantly want change, and in January my state of mind was set on it. I craved a change of pace. I craved new goals. I craved new experiences. I craved a taste of rebellion.
It's June now, and my cravings are being fed. I guess this technically began at the beginning of the year when I started spending more time with Nathan and fighting off advances, yet again, from the boy who first layed eyes on me in October. Anyway, back to now.
I don't know exactly how to phrase this, in fact, I've had a hard times with words in general in the past month (lack of Accelerated English class everyday?), but I'll do my best to explain what I'm getting at.
I guess people would say I've become more rebellious, but in reality, I've just let go of my restraints. I'm a free spirit fenced in by expectation. Everyone knows me as the overachiever. The kid who walks the line between breaking and following rules. The girl who has class, morals and wouldn't dare touch or do anything illegal. Of course, I am an overachiever still and have both morals and class, but really, I'm not as "refined" as one would think.
The crowd I've started to run with is one in which I can be myself 100%. I don't need to sit back and plan out/contemplate every step I take before I actually take it. I can just roll with the punches. I mean, just this weekend alone I've done things I never would've thought of doing back in January. Getting pulled over, egging, partying with college kids, etc.
Along with noticing that I've changed, it's caught my attention how much I really am like my father. Illegal activity, but never getting caught. Talking his way out of any situation. Intimidation being his biggest weapon. Wreaking havoc.
All in all, I think I'm liking this change. I've still got class, morals and I believe I'm still a good person. The same good person I always have been. I'm just able to show the world who I actually am. I'm a free spirit, who's broken through a fence of expectations and left it in a million tiny pieces.
- Dallas
Life isn't easier for other people,
we're just better at faking it.
It's June now, and my cravings are being fed. I guess this technically began at the beginning of the year when I started spending more time with Nathan and fighting off advances, yet again, from the boy who first layed eyes on me in October. Anyway, back to now.
I don't know exactly how to phrase this, in fact, I've had a hard times with words in general in the past month (lack of Accelerated English class everyday?), but I'll do my best to explain what I'm getting at.
I guess people would say I've become more rebellious, but in reality, I've just let go of my restraints. I'm a free spirit fenced in by expectation. Everyone knows me as the overachiever. The kid who walks the line between breaking and following rules. The girl who has class, morals and wouldn't dare touch or do anything illegal. Of course, I am an overachiever still and have both morals and class, but really, I'm not as "refined" as one would think.
The crowd I've started to run with is one in which I can be myself 100%. I don't need to sit back and plan out/contemplate every step I take before I actually take it. I can just roll with the punches. I mean, just this weekend alone I've done things I never would've thought of doing back in January. Getting pulled over, egging, partying with college kids, etc.
Along with noticing that I've changed, it's caught my attention how much I really am like my father. Illegal activity, but never getting caught. Talking his way out of any situation. Intimidation being his biggest weapon. Wreaking havoc.
All in all, I think I'm liking this change. I've still got class, morals and I believe I'm still a good person. The same good person I always have been. I'm just able to show the world who I actually am. I'm a free spirit, who's broken through a fence of expectations and left it in a million tiny pieces.
- Dallas
Life isn't easier for other people,
we're just better at faking it.
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